Sick of Being Sick!

Ugh, this week has not been the most fun, let me tell ya! Wednesday afternoon, I was at work and all was normal. One of my co-workers was out sick and had gone home Tuesday early from the office because of aches and nausea. We sent her home so the rest of us would not get sick! Sounded like a good idea, right? Too late....I got it!

Wednesday night, I went down to our Infusion Room in the Cancer Institute, where I work overtime until 7:00. I usually like this because I can get a bulk of the work that has piled up during my busy day out of the way and completed before I leave for home. However, this particular Wednesday, it was all I could do to even walk out to my car that evening. I have never had an illness hit me so hard and so fast. Body aches, fever, nausea....meh! Needless to say, it was not fun at all! Thursday was a sick day, which I never take, due to the fact that my fever had not gone away and they wouldn't let me come in to work. :( I hate being sick.

So, going through recovery, you get used to seeing a lot of different doctors, dietitians, therapists, etc. and it's nice to have a break some weeks. There are times where I will see all three of my treatment team (dietitian, therapist and nurse practitioner) all in one week! And that is no walk in the park!

While it is good for me to see these people, to hold myself accountable and relate to them any problems/concerns I have, there are times when I HATE IT! I just want to be "normal" and not have to go to the doctor every other week. I think some of the wonderful women I work with are starting to wonder why I come in early every other week so that I can leave early for a doctor's appointment. My fear is that my supervisor, who has been a saint, will start to question why I have to go to all these doctor's appointments. And then I'm stuck!

I haven't gotten up the courage to tell anyone at work yet about my journey or my recovery process from anorexia. There are two reasons why:

1. I don't trust any of them enough to not spread the information to others...not that I don't trust them, I just know how we, as women, like to talk :)

2. I believe their initial reaction would lead to questions that are stereotypical of the media and world at large regarding eating disorders, i. e. "well, why don't you just eat?" "why don't you just stop running?" or "I wish I could do that...it would help me lose weight faster!"

I am amazed at the lack of knowledge people have regarding eating disorders and that they truly think it is just about appearance and food, when in reality, it is so much more than that. I wish the entire world could have a family week like I had at Remuda Ranch. I saw my wonderful parents, who had tried everything they could to help me recover previously, truly begin to understand what I was feeling and why my anorexia had developed. They finally realized it was not their fault, they realized it was something that I needed to own, take responsibility of and choose to change. I wish everyone could see things that way.

Needless to say, with being physically ill this week from the stomach bug and then having to reschedule all of my treatment team appointments to next week, I am SICK OF BEING SICK! Anyone else feel that way? It's ok to vent, believe me...it helps :)

But there is a note of hope in here, I promise! My note of hope to anyone else who may be struggling and wondering if they will ever get better, if things will ever turn around, if their life will ever be what the rest of the world considers "normal" again, if they will ever have two weeks in a row without a doctor or therapist appointment, is this:

Things CAN and WILL change for the better if you take the one tiny step to change with it. And that is acceptance. For me, I have to accept where I am at right now and accept the fact that if I do not follow my meal plan, do not focus on recovery and make it a priority, and if I do not make changes to my lifestyle, I will be stuck where I'm at. I will see my NP, dietitian and therapist every other week for the rest of my life. BUT if that is not what I want, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE THAT!

Prayer for me is a big thing and I have learned that it is OK to cry out to God in prayer. I can tell him of my fears, my weaknesses, my confusion, my loneliness, my hurts and my anger. But my goal in those prayer is to have hope that through venting out my frustrations, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will be able to see it after getting rid of all the muck and darkness in my mind. When I pray, I ask God to show me the way when I don't think it is the right direction for me. And He will show me that light, ONLY IF I choose to take a step back and let HIM lead the way.

I don't know whether or not God is in everyone's life who will read this, but the same message applies: You have to trust someone else, be in God or the professionals, when they say that a turnaround in your life is possible but you will have to accept that the old lifestyle that the eating disorder thrived on is not going to work for you anymore. You have to accept the help they are giving and make the changes they suggest because they know what they are doing and only want to help. And once you start accepting that and accepting that your old life cannot continue, you will see those turnarounds in your life, your appointment book will have more time for you and less time for therapist and doctors, and you will start to feel that "normalcy" that we all aspire to have.

Sick of being sick? Me too! So, let's go make some changes this week and get back to living life off of the couch and into the world :)

Blessings!

Kaitlyn