The Night Off...

Being a perfectionist to my detriment at times, I do not allow myself to have much "down time." I don't like it...it makes me anxious and I always feel as though I'm forgetting to do something when I have nothing scheduled or a few hours to just sit and relax.

Normally, people LOVE a day off....I hate it. I don't like when I am not working...yes, I am labeling myself a workaholic. Is that a bad thing? In terms of recovering from a disease or illness, it can be a good or bad thing.

1. Pros of being a workaholic:

• When someone is sick, work provides them an outlet to continue feeling "normal" and continue living in the "real world" rather than one surrounded by sickness, sadness and fear
• Support can continue from colleagues, friends at work and managers that can encourage someone going through a disease that is taxing

2. Cons of being a workaholic:

• Not allowing oneself to doing anything socially with friends, beyond that of a mandatory work outing/dinner/social event
• Not allowing oneself to enjoy a day off or a weekend. When a holiday arrives or the weekend comes, the workaholic will work overtime if needed or will fill their day with volunteering, running errands, cleaning, etc.
• Relationships can suffer due to the fact that they are not nurtured by the workaholic. Workaholic relationships tend to be one-sided
• The focus of a workaholic becomes work only...there is no time for friends, family, food or fun
• Anxiety increases, often, for a workaholic if there is any change to the normal flow of the workday. Important work that needs to be completed quickly can send a workaholic into a tailspin. They will focus on that project needing completed and nothing else. They will refuse to leave the office until the work is completed.

There are probably more cons than I can think of at this moment, and some may even choose to argue that there are no pros at all. I would listen to their arguments and most likely agree...there should be no pros to being a workaholic. However, being one myself, I try to find the good in every situation I find myself in.

So, when I find I have received a night off from babysitting unexpectedly, what do I do? I am lost as to how to spend an evening at home after work. I haven't had a "night off" in a very long time. Why are nights off so bad for a workaholic....with an eating disorder???

My fears are able to be realized, and I allow myself time to think when I have a night off. I don't have to think about the next patient I have to check out or schedule for, I don't have to worry about picking up the lil man I babysit on time, and I don't have to worry about getting to the store before it closes when I'm rushing to get home before 9:00 PM. So, why am I so afraid of my own thoughts and feelings?

Because they are unpredictable!!!!

While at home this evening, I did my devotions, cleaned the upstairs floors and did the dishes. This was all after I went to the gym when my workday was finished. And now I sit here and blog because my thoughts are racing....my thoughts are telling me that I have failed and that I should have found something else to do. They are telling me that I should have stayed late at work to get things taken care of before another busy day tomorrow. They tell me I should have stayed later at the gym and worked out harder, especially since I chose to eat today. And they are telling me that there is more cleaning or budgeting or filing to do at home....and the fact that I am sitting here blogging about having a night off is a waste of time and energy. My thoughts tell me I have failed this evening and because I have failed, I must be punished....I must suffer, not eat or work out harder tomorrow to make up for my failures.

Isn't that crazy? It's crazy how one night off can throw someone into such a tailspin...but for a workaholic or someone who thrives off of being busy all the time, not allowing themselves to think about or experience their own feelings, it can mean disaster. A night off should be relaxing, filled with memories of family, friends and fun! These three F's are something I work towards in Recovery and hope to one day experience without feeling the other F....failure.

To all those out there that may be a perfectionist, someone in Recovery or just someone who feels down when they have a day or night off, this is my message of hope for you today. It may hurt at first, but it is OK for you to have a day off. It is OK for you to take the time to rest...for if you don't rest, your body will not allow you to work after awhile...you will fail by being someone who takes time for everything else but yourself. Believe me, I know. It happened to me and I spent two months in a hospital because I worked too long, too hard and didn't care enough about myself to rest for one minute.

It IS worth it to take a day off or even a night off!! You CAN do it! I'm doing it right now...Law and Order SVU is on the rest of the night until I go to bed and I am following my cats around as they destroy things....ah, such is the life! :) So, I challenge you, the next time you have some extra hours that you don't know what to do with....just sit and think about what it is that is really important to you. Write it down if you like to take up some time...and then pick one of those things and make that your focus. Your work will improve and your anxiety will decrease if you give yourself a break.

I'm learning to...and so can you!!!

Blessings,

Kaitlyn