Lyme's Disease or Anorexia??

When someone has an eating disorder, a lot of what physically is happening can be associated with said eating disorder...however, when someone possibly has another illness, it can mask the eating disorder and make it hard for a doctor, dietitian, parents, etc. to realize what the true problem is. Such is the dilemma I am facing now. 

A little over a week ago, I was babysitting my niece. I got out of the car in the morning and first thing I felt was a bug bite...darn! I am allergic to mosquito bites and have been itching from them all summer! Knocking said bug off of my arm, I got my things out of the car and went inside, thinking nothing of the bite. I knew it would probably begin to itch a few moments later so I made a mental note of where the Cortisone cream was in my purse (Kind of disturbing that I keep a supply on me at all times! haha!) But it never really bothered me, so I focused on the ones on my legs which were making me insane instead :) 

When I got back to work that Friday, I showed my newest bug bites to my friend. We are always examining each other's bites due to the fact that we are both allergic, hate bugs, and need time to vent while at work :) She looked at this particular bite on my arm and said, "I hope that isn't a tick bite." WHAT?!?! Immediately, she and I were both on Google images to see whether or not my bite looked like a bite that someone with Lyme's disease would have. Fortunately, every image we saw showed a bite with a bulls eye type marking...this was different from mine in that I didn't have the "extra" ring around the bite mark...I just had the bite which was white in the center and one red ring around it. I was good to go! Whew! 

Fast forward to the next week when I was talking to one of the Nurse Coordinator's at work and she saw the bite and immediately asked if I had been tested for Lyme's disease...WHAT?!?! I thought I was good to go! I thought the headaches and muscle pains were just from the stress and anxiety of my daily life! I thought my neck hurting was due to the lack of sleep and headaches that would't go away...now I might have Lyme's disease? 

The story is ongoing but here are the facts: 

1. I got bit a week and a half ago and the mark is still there, but fairly faint. Apparently, there does NOT need to be a ring around the bite site to be a tick bite. There are multiple versions of the rash known as erythema migrans (how's THAT for a big word!) and my marking fits the bill. :( 

2. I will need to be tested in the next week or so for Lyme's disease. If it shows up negative, I will need to be tested in approx. 6 weeks to make sure it wasn't a false negative result. Something about antibodies building up slowly...blah, blah...I don't understand medical speak, I just do what I'm told. 

3. There could be two reasons for my headaches, muscle pain, neck stiffness, and constant fatigue

              A. Early symptoms of the onset of Lyme's disease

              B. Not taking care of myself and allowing my eating disorder to control my life

Hm, now there's a fun one to try and figure out. My point in all this is as follows: While I may have Lyme's disease and my symptoms may stem from that, I am still struggling with an eating disorder. I cannot allow ANYTHING else to compromise my treatment for said eating disorder. Lyme's disease cannot become an excuse to delve further into anorexia, though it is a VERY easy scapegoat. Due to fatigue and new medication, my stomach could not feel right and it would be easy to skip meals here and there. Because of joint and muscle pain, increased workouts to help alleviate that pain could ensue...Dietitian and therapist appointments could go by the wayside because of increased needs to see the family physician for blood test and antibiotic checks... 

Knowing this ahead of time, however, can help prevent masking the primary problem. No matter if I do or do not have Lyme's disease, I am still in recovery from anorexia. And that CANNOT go down the tubes. Just because someone gets the flu does not eradicate the fact that they have cancer. If someone with MS gets diagnosed with bipolar disorder, that doesn't mean they're suddenly cured from MS. 

Just because the symptoms may be similar, it does not mean that one is immediately cured of one problem to go and deal with another. Although that is what I would LIKE to see happen, I know that if I allow myself to believe that, I will only fall further. 

As a note of hope, I give you the serenity prayer which has been around my neck all week: 

**God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference**

Hoping for you!

~Kaitlyn 

Greatly Blessed, Highly Favored!

A short post of hope for all of my friends that are having a rough day. I was thinking of this song for no reason other than I truly feel greatly blessed and highly favored!

I have a family that loves me, despite all the lies I've told, things I've hidden from them and hurt that I have caused. I have friends that support me in the good times and bad. I have two cats that love me unconditionally. I have a house that is warm, clothes that fit and food to sustain me. I have a job that fulfills my need to support others and give back for all I have been given. And I have a God that has never given up on me. I truly am GREATLY BLESSED!

This week has been somewhat tough, as I lost one of my favorite patients to esophageal cancer this week. She was one of the gentlest, kindest women I have ever met in my entire life. She never complained that I only had times for her chemo at 5:00 in the evening, not getting her home until well after 9:00 at night. She always smiled, said hello and never acted as though there was a thing wrong with her. To look at her sweet face, you would think she was visiting a patient...not enduring chemotherapy as a patient herself. Her husband and faithful companion must be hurting so much right now for the loss of his love that he met while he was stationed in China as a navy officer. Now, she is gone and he is by himself. But, their love lives on in the lives of their children and in the people that she has touched....myself included.

I am blessed to have known her...but I am also truly blessed to have my health. While it was teetering for quite awhile and there are days when I struggle, I am not going through the loss that this family is right now. God has saved me from the pit of death, both physically and spiritually.

So, to all of you tonight who are struggling to find something to hold on to, something to believe in...remember how blessed you are to stand up, sit down, hug your family and friends...and to breathe!

Greatly blessed, highly favored!

Imperfect but forgiven child of God.

Greatly blessed, highly favored

Imperfect but forgiven child of God.

Child of God, I'm a child of God!

Blessings,

Kaitlyn

The Night Off...

Being a perfectionist to my detriment at times, I do not allow myself to have much "down time." I don't like it...it makes me anxious and I always feel as though I'm forgetting to do something when I have nothing scheduled or a few hours to just sit and relax.

Normally, people LOVE a day off....I hate it. I don't like when I am not working...yes, I am labeling myself a workaholic. Is that a bad thing? In terms of recovering from a disease or illness, it can be a good or bad thing.

1. Pros of being a workaholic:

• When someone is sick, work provides them an outlet to continue feeling "normal" and continue living in the "real world" rather than one surrounded by sickness, sadness and fear
• Support can continue from colleagues, friends at work and managers that can encourage someone going through a disease that is taxing

2. Cons of being a workaholic:

• Not allowing oneself to doing anything socially with friends, beyond that of a mandatory work outing/dinner/social event
• Not allowing oneself to enjoy a day off or a weekend. When a holiday arrives or the weekend comes, the workaholic will work overtime if needed or will fill their day with volunteering, running errands, cleaning, etc.
• Relationships can suffer due to the fact that they are not nurtured by the workaholic. Workaholic relationships tend to be one-sided
• The focus of a workaholic becomes work only...there is no time for friends, family, food or fun
• Anxiety increases, often, for a workaholic if there is any change to the normal flow of the workday. Important work that needs to be completed quickly can send a workaholic into a tailspin. They will focus on that project needing completed and nothing else. They will refuse to leave the office until the work is completed.

There are probably more cons than I can think of at this moment, and some may even choose to argue that there are no pros at all. I would listen to their arguments and most likely agree...there should be no pros to being a workaholic. However, being one myself, I try to find the good in every situation I find myself in.

So, when I find I have received a night off from babysitting unexpectedly, what do I do? I am lost as to how to spend an evening at home after work. I haven't had a "night off" in a very long time. Why are nights off so bad for a workaholic....with an eating disorder???

My fears are able to be realized, and I allow myself time to think when I have a night off. I don't have to think about the next patient I have to check out or schedule for, I don't have to worry about picking up the lil man I babysit on time, and I don't have to worry about getting to the store before it closes when I'm rushing to get home before 9:00 PM. So, why am I so afraid of my own thoughts and feelings?

Because they are unpredictable!!!!

While at home this evening, I did my devotions, cleaned the upstairs floors and did the dishes. This was all after I went to the gym when my workday was finished. And now I sit here and blog because my thoughts are racing....my thoughts are telling me that I have failed and that I should have found something else to do. They are telling me that I should have stayed late at work to get things taken care of before another busy day tomorrow. They tell me I should have stayed later at the gym and worked out harder, especially since I chose to eat today. And they are telling me that there is more cleaning or budgeting or filing to do at home....and the fact that I am sitting here blogging about having a night off is a waste of time and energy. My thoughts tell me I have failed this evening and because I have failed, I must be punished....I must suffer, not eat or work out harder tomorrow to make up for my failures.

Isn't that crazy? It's crazy how one night off can throw someone into such a tailspin...but for a workaholic or someone who thrives off of being busy all the time, not allowing themselves to think about or experience their own feelings, it can mean disaster. A night off should be relaxing, filled with memories of family, friends and fun! These three F's are something I work towards in Recovery and hope to one day experience without feeling the other F....failure.

To all those out there that may be a perfectionist, someone in Recovery or just someone who feels down when they have a day or night off, this is my message of hope for you today. It may hurt at first, but it is OK for you to have a day off. It is OK for you to take the time to rest...for if you don't rest, your body will not allow you to work after awhile...you will fail by being someone who takes time for everything else but yourself. Believe me, I know. It happened to me and I spent two months in a hospital because I worked too long, too hard and didn't care enough about myself to rest for one minute.

It IS worth it to take a day off or even a night off!! You CAN do it! I'm doing it right now...Law and Order SVU is on the rest of the night until I go to bed and I am following my cats around as they destroy things....ah, such is the life! :) So, I challenge you, the next time you have some extra hours that you don't know what to do with....just sit and think about what it is that is really important to you. Write it down if you like to take up some time...and then pick one of those things and make that your focus. Your work will improve and your anxiety will decrease if you give yourself a break.

I'm learning to...and so can you!!!

Blessings,

Kaitlyn

The Mask

Ever been to a Halloween party that required people to wear masks? I have always been afraid of masks, ever since I was little. We used to go to my dad's cousin's house for a family Christmas party every year. It was one of my favorite times because we saw cousins, aunts and uncles that we hardly ever saw throughout the year.

Down in the basement of this house, there was a fireplace we would all gather around and sing Christmas carols, wait for Santa and in the back room, play pool! I had never played this game before coming to the house and as a child, it was fun to watch the older guys playing this new game where the pole was taller than I was! I longed for the day when I could play the game too!

On the side wall in the pool table room, were 3 or 4 masks...the ones where you pulled on a cord and they started laughing and sticking their tongues out at you. These things scared me to death! Every time one of the cords was pulled, I would run from the room! For some reason, not knowing who these "masks" were scared me. I was the same way with clowns at a circus...they always frightened me because they had a painted on face. I never knew who the people behind the masks really were, so I chose to stay away from them.

As I think on it now, anyone with an eating disorder is an actor/actress of some sort. Even if you have never been trained, you become quite good at it. When you step out in the world on any given day, you put on your own mask of being in control, having it all together, being the best at taking care of yourself, eating healthy and working out like it's nobody else's business. You put on a mask that shows a smiling, confident man or woman when deep down inside, you are truly in fearful, sad, confused and ashamed of who you are. You never feel good enough, so you put on a mask to stop others from seeing that and asking questions.

I always hated lying. I have been taught since I was a little girl that I should never lie, because it was a sin (one of God's ten commandments, "thou shalt not lie") and it hurt people. But, when you put on your mask that has been formulated and created by the eating disorder, you suddenly feel you have to lie in order to keep other's away, to help them not worry about you or to make sure that everyone thinks you are doing just fine.

It's funny how I hated masks so much as a child, yet now I yearn for my mask on a daily basis. I want to put it on every day when at work so that when I don't go to lunch, people don't see the internal war going on inside of me. They think the reason I don't leave my desk is because I am a hard worker and that snacks at my desk are enough for me. They never know that while I am working away at my desk and my "snack" is sitting there, I am wondering whether or not I should eat it...wondering if they are looking at me....battling the eating disorder that is telling me not to go to lunch because my work is more important and if I go to lunch, I am a failure at my job. The mask hides all that....my mask shows a smiling, bubbly young girl ready and waiting for the next problem to arise at work so that I can fix it.

I struggle to take my mask off. There are days when I won't....but it is on the days that I, as my own true self, am feeling confident, that I will take that mask off and put it to the side. I will allow others to see a small glimpse into my true life....the life of someone battling an eating disorder. Today is one of those days. I am home, by myself with my two beautiful cats who love me unconditionally, and have realized that I need to allow others to hear my story so that

1. I can help others who are going through the same thing and

2. They can be there for me when I need them the most

It is extremely difficult for me to depend on anyone else and when my mask is on, I don't need anyone else. But, it is time for me to start taking that mask off and being scared of it. For that mask, in my life, is something that is trying to kill me. That evil laugh that I always heard when the cord was pulled is the laugh of my eating disorder every time I put the mask on and follow its direction.

It's not Halloween anymore...so masks off, ladies and gentleman. It's time to show your true faces and reveal the beautiful creatures that you are beyond your eating disorder, anxiety, depression, disease or fear. Masks may be fun for awhile, but there comes a time when they got hot, sticky and uncomfortable....I hope that day is today for you and I pray it is for me too!

Blessings and Prayers,

Kaitlyn

Sick of Being Sick!

Ugh, this week has not been the most fun, let me tell ya! Wednesday afternoon, I was at work and all was normal. One of my co-workers was out sick and had gone home Tuesday early from the office because of aches and nausea. We sent her home so the rest of us would not get sick! Sounded like a good idea, right? Too late....I got it!

Wednesday night, I went down to our Infusion Room in the Cancer Institute, where I work overtime until 7:00. I usually like this because I can get a bulk of the work that has piled up during my busy day out of the way and completed before I leave for home. However, this particular Wednesday, it was all I could do to even walk out to my car that evening. I have never had an illness hit me so hard and so fast. Body aches, fever, nausea....meh! Needless to say, it was not fun at all! Thursday was a sick day, which I never take, due to the fact that my fever had not gone away and they wouldn't let me come in to work. :( I hate being sick.

So, going through recovery, you get used to seeing a lot of different doctors, dietitians, therapists, etc. and it's nice to have a break some weeks. There are times where I will see all three of my treatment team (dietitian, therapist and nurse practitioner) all in one week! And that is no walk in the park!

While it is good for me to see these people, to hold myself accountable and relate to them any problems/concerns I have, there are times when I HATE IT! I just want to be "normal" and not have to go to the doctor every other week. I think some of the wonderful women I work with are starting to wonder why I come in early every other week so that I can leave early for a doctor's appointment. My fear is that my supervisor, who has been a saint, will start to question why I have to go to all these doctor's appointments. And then I'm stuck!

I haven't gotten up the courage to tell anyone at work yet about my journey or my recovery process from anorexia. There are two reasons why:

1. I don't trust any of them enough to not spread the information to others...not that I don't trust them, I just know how we, as women, like to talk :)

2. I believe their initial reaction would lead to questions that are stereotypical of the media and world at large regarding eating disorders, i. e. "well, why don't you just eat?" "why don't you just stop running?" or "I wish I could do that...it would help me lose weight faster!"

I am amazed at the lack of knowledge people have regarding eating disorders and that they truly think it is just about appearance and food, when in reality, it is so much more than that. I wish the entire world could have a family week like I had at Remuda Ranch. I saw my wonderful parents, who had tried everything they could to help me recover previously, truly begin to understand what I was feeling and why my anorexia had developed. They finally realized it was not their fault, they realized it was something that I needed to own, take responsibility of and choose to change. I wish everyone could see things that way.

Needless to say, with being physically ill this week from the stomach bug and then having to reschedule all of my treatment team appointments to next week, I am SICK OF BEING SICK! Anyone else feel that way? It's ok to vent, believe me...it helps :)

But there is a note of hope in here, I promise! My note of hope to anyone else who may be struggling and wondering if they will ever get better, if things will ever turn around, if their life will ever be what the rest of the world considers "normal" again, if they will ever have two weeks in a row without a doctor or therapist appointment, is this:

Things CAN and WILL change for the better if you take the one tiny step to change with it. And that is acceptance. For me, I have to accept where I am at right now and accept the fact that if I do not follow my meal plan, do not focus on recovery and make it a priority, and if I do not make changes to my lifestyle, I will be stuck where I'm at. I will see my NP, dietitian and therapist every other week for the rest of my life. BUT if that is not what I want, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE THAT!

Prayer for me is a big thing and I have learned that it is OK to cry out to God in prayer. I can tell him of my fears, my weaknesses, my confusion, my loneliness, my hurts and my anger. But my goal in those prayer is to have hope that through venting out my frustrations, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will be able to see it after getting rid of all the muck and darkness in my mind. When I pray, I ask God to show me the way when I don't think it is the right direction for me. And He will show me that light, ONLY IF I choose to take a step back and let HIM lead the way.

I don't know whether or not God is in everyone's life who will read this, but the same message applies: You have to trust someone else, be in God or the professionals, when they say that a turnaround in your life is possible but you will have to accept that the old lifestyle that the eating disorder thrived on is not going to work for you anymore. You have to accept the help they are giving and make the changes they suggest because they know what they are doing and only want to help. And once you start accepting that and accepting that your old life cannot continue, you will see those turnarounds in your life, your appointment book will have more time for you and less time for therapist and doctors, and you will start to feel that "normalcy" that we all aspire to have.

Sick of being sick? Me too! So, let's go make some changes this week and get back to living life off of the couch and into the world :)

Blessings!

Kaitlyn

What a Disease Cannot Do....

This is my first attempt at doing any sort of "blog" on the Internet, in hopes that my journey into Recovery might help others who are struggling or need encouragement to do the same for themselves!

The above title has changed a bit from the popular poem, "What Cancer Cannot Do" I just wrote a long story about my experience with cancer, as it is so near and dear to my heart. I have lost so many family members and friends to this dreaded disease; yet, I do not allow it to take away the memories and joy that I have for those people that are no longer with us. And there is still fight in me! I want to kick cancer's butt! I currently work at Penn State Hershey Cancer Institute and every day, I help my patient's schedule chemo therapy and testing to make sure that their disease is stopped in its tracks and moved backwards, out of their body, so that they can live life to the fullest, cancer free! It does not always work, but I do my best.

I write all that to let you know why I changed the title of this first blog to "What a Disease cannot do" because my personal experience, my own story, does not deal with cancer. I have only been the care taker of someone with cancer, I have never personally experienced cancer in my body. But I have dealt with a deadly disease and am still on the journey to recovery. Unfortunately, my disease is not currently in remission, though I thought it was. It's a tricky disease that if you are not careful, can slide you backwards faster than you can say "Stop!"

My disease is anorexia nervosa...a disease that is not often talked about. It is so common for us to express sympathy or empathy when we hear that a person has been diagnosed with cancer. But, what of an eating disorder? How do people respond to that? The myriad of things I have heard are for another post....but let's just say, it is not always sympathetic or empathetic. But, anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and other eating disorders not otherwise specified are TRUE diseases, ones that take away millions of men and women each year. Yes, I said men and women. There are so many stereotypes that go along with an eating disorder that are invalid that I want to post some stats for you to show you what an eating disorder TRULY is:

1. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness

2. Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the United States.

3. Only 1 in 10 million men and women with eating disorders receive treatment.

**Stats taken from www.anad.org**

Amazing, isn't it, that though an eating disorder has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, just as cancer is the second highest cause of mortality of any physical illness in the US, that we aren't talking more about it. Or treating it for that matter....but again, that is for another post.

My goal here is to show that anorexia nervosa and other eating disorders are diseases, just as Cancer is a disease. And what cancer cannot do, neither can an eating disorder. Here is the poem for those who may never have read it, with my thoughts at the end of each line:

What Cancer/Anorexia/ANY DISEASE Cannot Do- Author Unknown

It cannot cripple Love- Family and Friends still love us, no matter what

It cannot shatter Hope- Where there is life, there is hope

It cannot corrode Faith- My faith in God is what keeps me going

It cannot destroy Peace- Peace comes in the quiet nights, no matter how I'm feeling

It cannot kill Friendship- I've gained more friends through my journey than I ever knew possible

It cannot suppress Memories- I have wonderful memories that my anorexia can NEVER take away

It cannot silence Courage- Courage is admitting I needed help...and got it!

It cannot invade the Soul- My soul is filled with the Holy Spirit, no my eating disorder

It cannot steal Eternal Life- Praise God my eternal life is secure in Him who is faithful, not in an evil spirit!

It cannot conquer the Spirit.- God always wins, no matter what!

So you see, no matte what disease you might be going through, be it cancer, an eating disorder, heart disease, multiple sclerosis, depression, anxiety, diabetes, the list goes on and on...no matter what it is you are going through, your disease cannot take away these beautiful things that we all hold dear. DO NOT let yourself believe the disease...it will tell you that you have lost everything. When I feel like there is no hope, I have no one left that cares for me or that God is not on my side, I go back and read this....for it is then that I am reminded of the truth. That my disease only has the power that I give it...and if I, Kaitlyn, want to be in control, then I need to remind my disease of the truth. And that is what sets me free....

What do you use to remind yourself of the truth? To get you through each day of struggle and pain?

Until next time,

Kaitlyn