Down in the basement of this house, there was a fireplace we would all gather around and sing Christmas carols, wait for Santa and in the back room, play pool! I had never played this game before coming to the house and as a child, it was fun to watch the older guys playing this new game where the pole was taller than I was! I longed for the day when I could play the game too!
On the side wall in the pool table room, were 3 or 4 masks...the ones where you pulled on a cord and they started laughing and sticking their tongues out at you. These things scared me to death! Every time one of the cords was pulled, I would run from the room! For some reason, not knowing who these "masks" were scared me. I was the same way with clowns at a circus...they always frightened me because they had a painted on face. I never knew who the people behind the masks really were, so I chose to stay away from them.
As I think on it now, anyone with an eating disorder is an actor/actress of some sort. Even if you have never been trained, you become quite good at it. When you step out in the world on any given day, you put on your own mask of being in control, having it all together, being the best at taking care of yourself, eating healthy and working out like it's nobody else's business. You put on a mask that shows a smiling, confident man or woman when deep down inside, you are truly in fearful, sad, confused and ashamed of who you are. You never feel good enough, so you put on a mask to stop others from seeing that and asking questions.
I always hated lying. I have been taught since I was a little girl that I should never lie, because it was a sin (one of God's ten commandments, "thou shalt not lie") and it hurt people. But, when you put on your mask that has been formulated and created by the eating disorder, you suddenly feel you have to lie in order to keep other's away, to help them not worry about you or to make sure that everyone thinks you are doing just fine.
It's funny how I hated masks so much as a child, yet now I yearn for my mask on a daily basis. I want to put it on every day when at work so that when I don't go to lunch, people don't see the internal war going on inside of me. They think the reason I don't leave my desk is because I am a hard worker and that snacks at my desk are enough for me. They never know that while I am working away at my desk and my "snack" is sitting there, I am wondering whether or not I should eat it...wondering if they are looking at me....battling the eating disorder that is telling me not to go to lunch because my work is more important and if I go to lunch, I am a failure at my job. The mask hides all that....my mask shows a smiling, bubbly young girl ready and waiting for the next problem to arise at work so that I can fix it.
I struggle to take my mask off. There are days when I won't....but it is on the days that I, as my own true self, am feeling confident, that I will take that mask off and put it to the side. I will allow others to see a small glimpse into my true life....the life of someone battling an eating disorder. Today is one of those days. I am home, by myself with my two beautiful cats who love me unconditionally, and have realized that I need to allow others to hear my story so that
1. I can help others who are going through the same thing and
2. They can be there for me when I need them the most
It is extremely difficult for me to depend on anyone else and when my mask is on, I don't need anyone else. But, it is time for me to start taking that mask off and being scared of it. For that mask, in my life, is something that is trying to kill me. That evil laugh that I always heard when the cord was pulled is the laugh of my eating disorder every time I put the mask on and follow its direction.
It's not Halloween anymore...so masks off, ladies and gentleman. It's time to show your true faces and reveal the beautiful creatures that you are beyond your eating disorder, anxiety, depression, disease or fear. Masks may be fun for awhile, but there comes a time when they got hot, sticky and uncomfortable....I hope that day is today for you and I pray it is for me too!
Blessings and Prayers,
Kaitlyn
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