Lyme's Disease or Anorexia??

When someone has an eating disorder, a lot of what physically is happening can be associated with said eating disorder...however, when someone possibly has another illness, it can mask the eating disorder and make it hard for a doctor, dietitian, parents, etc. to realize what the true problem is. Such is the dilemma I am facing now. 

A little over a week ago, I was babysitting my niece. I got out of the car in the morning and first thing I felt was a bug bite...darn! I am allergic to mosquito bites and have been itching from them all summer! Knocking said bug off of my arm, I got my things out of the car and went inside, thinking nothing of the bite. I knew it would probably begin to itch a few moments later so I made a mental note of where the Cortisone cream was in my purse (Kind of disturbing that I keep a supply on me at all times! haha!) But it never really bothered me, so I focused on the ones on my legs which were making me insane instead :) 

When I got back to work that Friday, I showed my newest bug bites to my friend. We are always examining each other's bites due to the fact that we are both allergic, hate bugs, and need time to vent while at work :) She looked at this particular bite on my arm and said, "I hope that isn't a tick bite." WHAT?!?! Immediately, she and I were both on Google images to see whether or not my bite looked like a bite that someone with Lyme's disease would have. Fortunately, every image we saw showed a bite with a bulls eye type marking...this was different from mine in that I didn't have the "extra" ring around the bite mark...I just had the bite which was white in the center and one red ring around it. I was good to go! Whew! 

Fast forward to the next week when I was talking to one of the Nurse Coordinator's at work and she saw the bite and immediately asked if I had been tested for Lyme's disease...WHAT?!?! I thought I was good to go! I thought the headaches and muscle pains were just from the stress and anxiety of my daily life! I thought my neck hurting was due to the lack of sleep and headaches that would't go away...now I might have Lyme's disease? 

The story is ongoing but here are the facts: 

1. I got bit a week and a half ago and the mark is still there, but fairly faint. Apparently, there does NOT need to be a ring around the bite site to be a tick bite. There are multiple versions of the rash known as erythema migrans (how's THAT for a big word!) and my marking fits the bill. :( 

2. I will need to be tested in the next week or so for Lyme's disease. If it shows up negative, I will need to be tested in approx. 6 weeks to make sure it wasn't a false negative result. Something about antibodies building up slowly...blah, blah...I don't understand medical speak, I just do what I'm told. 

3. There could be two reasons for my headaches, muscle pain, neck stiffness, and constant fatigue

              A. Early symptoms of the onset of Lyme's disease

              B. Not taking care of myself and allowing my eating disorder to control my life

Hm, now there's a fun one to try and figure out. My point in all this is as follows: While I may have Lyme's disease and my symptoms may stem from that, I am still struggling with an eating disorder. I cannot allow ANYTHING else to compromise my treatment for said eating disorder. Lyme's disease cannot become an excuse to delve further into anorexia, though it is a VERY easy scapegoat. Due to fatigue and new medication, my stomach could not feel right and it would be easy to skip meals here and there. Because of joint and muscle pain, increased workouts to help alleviate that pain could ensue...Dietitian and therapist appointments could go by the wayside because of increased needs to see the family physician for blood test and antibiotic checks... 

Knowing this ahead of time, however, can help prevent masking the primary problem. No matter if I do or do not have Lyme's disease, I am still in recovery from anorexia. And that CANNOT go down the tubes. Just because someone gets the flu does not eradicate the fact that they have cancer. If someone with MS gets diagnosed with bipolar disorder, that doesn't mean they're suddenly cured from MS. 

Just because the symptoms may be similar, it does not mean that one is immediately cured of one problem to go and deal with another. Although that is what I would LIKE to see happen, I know that if I allow myself to believe that, I will only fall further. 

As a note of hope, I give you the serenity prayer which has been around my neck all week: 

**God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference**

Hoping for you!

~Kaitlyn 

The Night Off...

Being a perfectionist to my detriment at times, I do not allow myself to have much "down time." I don't like it...it makes me anxious and I always feel as though I'm forgetting to do something when I have nothing scheduled or a few hours to just sit and relax.

Normally, people LOVE a day off....I hate it. I don't like when I am not working...yes, I am labeling myself a workaholic. Is that a bad thing? In terms of recovering from a disease or illness, it can be a good or bad thing.

1. Pros of being a workaholic:

• When someone is sick, work provides them an outlet to continue feeling "normal" and continue living in the "real world" rather than one surrounded by sickness, sadness and fear
• Support can continue from colleagues, friends at work and managers that can encourage someone going through a disease that is taxing

2. Cons of being a workaholic:

• Not allowing oneself to doing anything socially with friends, beyond that of a mandatory work outing/dinner/social event
• Not allowing oneself to enjoy a day off or a weekend. When a holiday arrives or the weekend comes, the workaholic will work overtime if needed or will fill their day with volunteering, running errands, cleaning, etc.
• Relationships can suffer due to the fact that they are not nurtured by the workaholic. Workaholic relationships tend to be one-sided
• The focus of a workaholic becomes work only...there is no time for friends, family, food or fun
• Anxiety increases, often, for a workaholic if there is any change to the normal flow of the workday. Important work that needs to be completed quickly can send a workaholic into a tailspin. They will focus on that project needing completed and nothing else. They will refuse to leave the office until the work is completed.

There are probably more cons than I can think of at this moment, and some may even choose to argue that there are no pros at all. I would listen to their arguments and most likely agree...there should be no pros to being a workaholic. However, being one myself, I try to find the good in every situation I find myself in.

So, when I find I have received a night off from babysitting unexpectedly, what do I do? I am lost as to how to spend an evening at home after work. I haven't had a "night off" in a very long time. Why are nights off so bad for a workaholic....with an eating disorder???

My fears are able to be realized, and I allow myself time to think when I have a night off. I don't have to think about the next patient I have to check out or schedule for, I don't have to worry about picking up the lil man I babysit on time, and I don't have to worry about getting to the store before it closes when I'm rushing to get home before 9:00 PM. So, why am I so afraid of my own thoughts and feelings?

Because they are unpredictable!!!!

While at home this evening, I did my devotions, cleaned the upstairs floors and did the dishes. This was all after I went to the gym when my workday was finished. And now I sit here and blog because my thoughts are racing....my thoughts are telling me that I have failed and that I should have found something else to do. They are telling me that I should have stayed late at work to get things taken care of before another busy day tomorrow. They tell me I should have stayed later at the gym and worked out harder, especially since I chose to eat today. And they are telling me that there is more cleaning or budgeting or filing to do at home....and the fact that I am sitting here blogging about having a night off is a waste of time and energy. My thoughts tell me I have failed this evening and because I have failed, I must be punished....I must suffer, not eat or work out harder tomorrow to make up for my failures.

Isn't that crazy? It's crazy how one night off can throw someone into such a tailspin...but for a workaholic or someone who thrives off of being busy all the time, not allowing themselves to think about or experience their own feelings, it can mean disaster. A night off should be relaxing, filled with memories of family, friends and fun! These three F's are something I work towards in Recovery and hope to one day experience without feeling the other F....failure.

To all those out there that may be a perfectionist, someone in Recovery or just someone who feels down when they have a day or night off, this is my message of hope for you today. It may hurt at first, but it is OK for you to have a day off. It is OK for you to take the time to rest...for if you don't rest, your body will not allow you to work after awhile...you will fail by being someone who takes time for everything else but yourself. Believe me, I know. It happened to me and I spent two months in a hospital because I worked too long, too hard and didn't care enough about myself to rest for one minute.

It IS worth it to take a day off or even a night off!! You CAN do it! I'm doing it right now...Law and Order SVU is on the rest of the night until I go to bed and I am following my cats around as they destroy things....ah, such is the life! :) So, I challenge you, the next time you have some extra hours that you don't know what to do with....just sit and think about what it is that is really important to you. Write it down if you like to take up some time...and then pick one of those things and make that your focus. Your work will improve and your anxiety will decrease if you give yourself a break.

I'm learning to...and so can you!!!

Blessings,

Kaitlyn